So where were we? We left Part I with me comparing the dating pool to a swamp, what I’ve seen, what I’ve learned, and preparing you for this; The Men’s Perspective. I have to admit that editing Part II had me on my toes… sometimes laughing, sometimes shaking my head, and sometimes feeling optimistic. But what I can say is that I appreciated the honesty, and the time and effort, from each one of these men that agreed to submit their thoughts on dating. Grab your glass of wine and get ready (warning: get your wine before reading Darius’ piece), here we go…
*Darius L., 46 –
There could be a million reasons as to why I date other than trying to find the woman that I want to to spend the rest of my life with. Such as temporary companionship, temporary sex, or something as ridiculous as having someone who will go to the store for me. Which I suppose can be viewed upon as a bad thing. I’ve dated all different kinds of women and they’ve been different in every way I can imagine, be it socially, culturally, economically, or educationally in different shapes, sizes and hues. I’m just not looking for anything in particular in a woman because I like different things from different people for different reasons. I may be looking for something in one woman, but not in another. One thing that I could say that I’m looking for is a woman that will allow me to be me. I know I can be difficult to get along with at times, but I don’t want someone who is going to try to change me into what they want me to be (and if they are at least let me know they’re trying to change me).
My view on the dating pool is purely based on numbers. It’s always going to be in my favor, there’s simply more women then there are men. Even if a guy is a bum, he can be “successful” when dating. And the better you appear on paper, the higher your chances are to get whatever it is that you want. If you’re looking to find a woman to be with, you can do that. If you’re just looking to stick and move, you can do that too. Or you can do both at the same time. I think as a man, you can damned near choose who you want to be with based on more than being in love.
It’s safe to say that Darius may sound like a bit (fine, more than a bit) of Creep here, but with bias I say that he’s one of the most honest and straight forward men I have ever met. We’ve been friends for more than 5 years and he’s been a great friend that keeps me in stitches, and is a very talented artist. How is he in a dating relationship? Lawd knows. But, at least we see a man that readily admits that just based on sheer numbers that a woman will deal with a bum or a “sticker and mover.”
The main challenge with dating is getting on the same page as far as the intended destination is concerned. I’m in the midst of it all, I’m seeking companionship with a patient eye on the long term goal of marriage.
*Anthony L., 36 –
Simply put, if dating nowadays was a phone application, it’s icon would be an orange cone wrapped with two reflective stripes. People have an orange cone for every expectation, memory, joy, pain, intention and interpretation. I’ve found that dating nowadays is far more complex than it needs to be. The theory of ‘guy meets girl’ and whatever sparks fly is not so cut and dry. There are so many variables to consider when dating; variables like effort, purpose, and availability.
Effort and purpose when dating very much depends on the intended destination. A person could be interested in becoming a parent and spouse and they use dating as a vehicle to achieve that. Others may date because they value companionship. The main challenge with dating is getting on the same page as far as the intended destination is concerned. I’m in the midst of it all, I’m seeking companionship with a patient eye on the long term goal of marriage. Dating can be rewarding and enjoyable if both parties approach dating as if it’s something that they really want. As long as they have an open-mind, a willing spirit, and a relatively blank slate for the other person to paint themselves with. The journey, no matter how long or short, can be a fun and exciting one.
With availability, timing and readiness are key factors to consider. A person can be in ‘recovery-mode’ from a previous relationship, yet have the desire to press forward into something new. There are times also where a person can be unavailable due to time constraints on a professional or a personal level. I choose to go with the flow, and if it works out great and if not then…
Lets just say I’m hopeful.
It’s safe to say we feel less traumatized after reading Anthony’s perspective, post-digesting Darius’. Anthony puts into simple terms some of the dating variables to consider. But most importantly highlighting the aspects of the intended destination and being on the same page with the other person, and having a blank slate (i.e. leave your baggage at the door). Anthony happens to be the man I’m currently dating that I mentioned in Part I, and we debate, discuss, and damn near ponder the universe on dating all the time. What’s important for us is that we try we stay on the same page by using communication to its fullest… a lack of communication is something we both agree is a quick way to have things go south.
I want to be in love with her soul, her spirit is what I want to make love to because she is just that dope.
*B.C. Hall, 34 –
In today’s society most of us date depending on our own personal experiences as well as base our current situation off of past relationships. I believe most men typically want and truly desire a woman who is marriage material or even better, textbook wife material. However, we as men don’t always know what we need but we unequivocally know what we want. Those wants become so detrimental to us that they are as important as needs in our eyes. A man feels as though he needs a woman who cooks, cleans, stays at home and tends to the children. The modern day woman feels as though she needs a man who desires this as well yet at the same time wants to maintain a professional career outside of the home, further her education, pursue her own hobbies and interests while he assists in the home as much as humanly possible. Wants and needs, are probably the most argued difference between men and women. It almost seems as though women feel degraded when asked to step into a role of tradition but expect men to play the traditional role in their lives.
The agendas and goals of men and women are so vastly different that they do not dwell in a respected common place. This results in men generally dating simply for peace and companionship and women yearning for much more in that same relationship. Men approach relationships with logic and transparency. Start from zero and work to ten. Friendship, bonding, camaraderie, spirituality, intimacy, and longevity, sounds simple enough right? Women don’t want to accept that. Women fall in love with potential and work backwards failing to understand or not wanting understand, that his friendship and his time is worth so much more than the million “must haves” that she is presently checking off her “right man” list.
With all of this being said, plainly put and simply stated, I desire a friend. A best friend that I can share my highs and my lows with, someone that has my back and can be my backbone when I falter. I want to be in love with her soul, her spirit is what I want to make love to because she is just that dope. Yet this goes back to my wants yet in writing this I have discovered that my wants belong to me and in turn become my needs. My necessities are what I desire, what I crave, and what I want.
Wow, B.C. Hall describes what I call a love affair. And no, I don’t mean sex. When I was 31, my entire outlook on life shifted and I had this epiphany of what I wanted in a relationship. I wanted a love affair, a passionate relationship that was a friendship but also felt like I was loving someone from my soul and I could feel them in my spirit. And yes, that’s the kind of love that I’m holding out for.
It almost seems as though women feel degraded when asked to step into a role of tradition but expect men to play the traditional role in their lives.
These 3 perspectives on dating are all different, just like the perspectives of every man is different regardless if that difference is small or vast. What’s important is to know the type of man you actually need, and I mean in his character and not in what he does or how he dresses.
I leave you with this: Don’t settle!
Comment below, we would love to know your thoughts!