Time has flown by since Dating in 2016: Part I (my perspective on what the dating pool would be like) and Part II, The Men’s Perspective went live in January. And life has, once again, kept me on my toes, taught some great lessons, and given some interesting experiences that some women would refer to as f**kery. I could literally write a 10-page, maybe even 20-page, dissertation on what happened with the guy I was dating in Part I. But, I’ll cut to the chase and give you my top 4 types of men to avoid (and why we may need an anti-fuckboy accountability partner in certain cases), based on my experience and the experiences of a few friends in the last few months.
1. The Verbal Abuser: This is numero uno to avoid or to get the hell away from ASAP, because abuse in any form is, and should always be, a deal breaker. The Verbal Abuser is the person who spews words out of their mouth condescendingly, says mean things, and/or verbally attacks you. What’s sad is that they may not even realize that they are this way because they are too busy rationalizing what they’re saying. This is where the importance of good friends comes in. You may not even realize that it’s happening, but they may be able to see it as an outsider. My experience was that I thought this guy was just condescending when I didn’t agree with him, and he would also be disrespectful. But, it turned out to be much more than that. “Normal” people are aware when they make nasty comments, say malicious things, etc., but verbal abusers may not; they are clueless and blame their behavior on you. Here are a few examples of the “rationalizations” that I heard when telling this guy that he was being condescending or disrespectful:
– “I’m just being me, you just have to change how you receive it.”
– “It’s not miscommunication, it’s you and how you interpret it.”
– “I’m 22% asshole and you just have to try to understand me.”
The Verbal Abuser is actually an interesting phenomena (in an insane kinda way) because at first you think a lot of it is miscommunication, but it’s not. You can read more about The Verbal Abuser and his crazy rationale here.
… we met in person, he wanted me to sit in my car and for him to sit in his, and for us to talk out of our car windows… about 3-feet apart (and yes, I can imagine this is what a drug deal looks like).
2. The Broken Man: The man who is emotionless, uncomfortable with emotion, or lacks emotional intelligence (very important), and may not understand things like affection, love, and selflessness. The type of man who carries around what every woman did to him from his mama to his first love back in 90’s to every relationship thereafter that didn’t work out. This man also struggles with giving and receiving love. A red flag may be someone who has never been in a long term or serious relationship and is above a certain age. Want to get a full rundown on The Broken Man? Here’s a great breakdown by Elite Daily, I highly recommend reading.
3. The Toxic Guy: The guy who is judgmental, argumentative, hypocritical, negative, and diminishes other people’s achievements. They do dumb stuff like try to test you (which to me is a sign of immaturity), try to force their way of thinking onto you, they don’t apologize, and they make excuses for their behavior. They are EXHAUSTING, and you will feel exhausted. The good thing about the toxic guy is that they are easy to spot, all you have to do is listen. Listen to what they say about their friends, what they preach but don’t practice, and what they say about their successes and failures vs. other peoples. (Ex. Stories like his friend so-and-so had the help of his parents and that’s why he’s successful… and not because his friend worked hard, etc.)
And here lies the importance of having an anti-fuckboy accountability partner.
4. The Fuckboy: We would usually categorize this guy as someone who just ain’t shit, and every woman knows what this means. But, I’ve had to add some characteristics to this type of guy. If he is a brat who always has to get his way, if he’s disrespectful, if he always thinks he’s right, if he doesn’t listen, if he is needy for things that he is incapable of giving, or if he ridiculously selfish… he’s also a f**kboy. When you feel as though you always have to be the bigger person, consider that a glaring red flag. I have a billion examples, but I’ll give you one of the ones that actually happened to me and still makes me laugh: Part I guy and I got into an argument. I refused to talk to him about it over the phone anymore, because I thought he was trying to be some sort of telephone bully (ahem, verbal abuser). So, I call him the next morning and ask him to meet me in person so we can talk. He chooses the place, and I meet him there. Because I “got my way” and we met in person, he wanted me to sit in my car and for him to sit in his, and for us to talk out of our car windows… about 3-feet apart (and yes, I can imagine this is what a drug deal looks like). I thought I was being punked and was looking around for Ashton Kutcher, but this guy was serious. This type of behavior I put in the brat category. (And no, I didn’t go along with the drug deal conversation. I had to put my foot down…)
It’s one thing to learn from each other, the good qualities rub off on each other ,and loving someone past their pain. But, it’s a whole other thing when their issues become damaging to you and your happiness.
The last draw with Part I guy and me came down hard. I started to feel bad for him after our last conversation because I couldn’t help but think that he may never have a healthy, long-term relationship with his behavior. And trust me, I’m not the type to give up easily and am always trying to compromise and talk things through. However, you have to draw the line when the person is showing you that they are unable to receive anything that you’re saying and are always pointing the finger. The reality is also that it’s no one’s job to fix you, let alone is it your job to fix someone else; flaws are one thing but damaging behavior is another. Even though Part I guy had good qualities and everything was awesome for the first couple of months, the bad ended up far outweighing the good to me and I was not going to tolerate his behavior anymore. Needless to say all of my close friends were happy that I was done with him, and happy is an understatement. And here lies the importance of having an anti-fuckboy accountability partner. In those moments when I got tempted to respond to a text or voicemail I didn’t because I knew that by doing so I would reopen the door to frustration and more verbally abusive behavior. So when I got tempted, I texted my accountability partners instead.
So, Passionistas, if the guy is a Verbal Abuser LEAVE NOW. If he’s a mix of any of the above, RUN FOR THE HILLS. It’s one thing to learn from each other and the good qualities rub off on each other and loving someone past their pain, but it’s a whole other thing when their issues become damaging to you and your happiness. And that should be a non-negotiable.
Comment below. I would love to know what you think or if you can relate!